Unrecognizable Love

When I lay in bed alone in the dark these days the same thoughts that came to me while I was alone on the road for so long come. Now I live with someone so usually when she is there I am thinking in relation to her. The separation he spoke of all the time is dramatic and blatant. “Sometimes I think you are not even here.” she’ll say and she’s not wrong. There is no way to be truly intimate unless you are like what I saw in UG. That is the only explanation for what he talked about. Usually I lie there thinking about my death. That may sound dramatic but it’s surprising how often it comes. I wonder if I’ll be as easy for me as it was for him but I doubt it. There is no way to know. He was all the time telling us to go die, at the same time he pointed out that’s why we didn’t listen to him, because we were afraid to.
So I lie there thinking about the way, the means, the failed organs, the sudden seizure or gradual drifting that may happen and the picture cannot form. I have profound thoughts and mundane thoughts. I have fantastic insights inspired linguistic flights and then I get up and move around and all the fancy insights are immediately erased by thoughts of food or distraction or what to wear or do during the day. My needs are met but the nagging urges that drove me to UG are ever present. When will I see? Can I give up like he did? Then I come to my studio and the notions of giving up or erasing my desires are completely eradicated by the preoccupation with this that and the other project. What to draw, write or photograph, who to send images to, these are the things I think about as I turn on the computer and get lost in petty communications updates on email and facebook and youtube. It is just simply impossible to imagine the frame of mind of a person who is capable of sitting there thinking and doing nothing at all.
This is what I imagine his state of mind, an image based on all the information I have collected about him over the years. Of course its probably all wrong. of course the words cannot capture what it was he may have been feeling but as far as I can piece together it is nothing like what I experience sitting here preoccupied with all the things I want to do. “Thinking is wanting.” It is a noise produced by unnecessary want. Without that he said you will drop dead and reshuffle your whole world into something unrecognizable. If I would not be thinking about a painting or a story about him I want to tell, I cannot imagine what my frame of mind would be. Of course I am looking around all the time, breathing in this kind of air or that, looking at the trees, the books, the television, mostly the computer screen and then the paper or canvas, but what I see is that unending projection that wants to go on forever. I am in process, ‘continuity’! that’s what they shout in film to make sure the content of one scene links with another in the smoothest possible way and it’s work!
Why did he say indirectly “love is the only way”? What the hell does love mean according to what I saw operating in him daily? It’s not poetic romantic love. It’s not love of god or gods or people or ideas. What is it? A state of being so connected you cannot make a wrong move? A state of complete and total not-knowing? Talk is not cheap, it’s expensive. Talking like that is very lucrative which is why he hinted at it with words and denied it with the same. What he lived illustrated it, something so vital and full it was a living breathing work of art. He was a masterpiece of living. We are all miraculous but saying that sounds cheap as a hallmark card.
What the hell is love? There is no way of knowing.

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12 Responses to Unrecognizable Love

  1. sharbra says:

    Hi Louis,
    My wife has been chasing me around the house reading aloud passages from Goner and laughing hysterically… She never could get into u.g. before this really. I am on my third/fourth read through. I know he would get angry but i am writing down so many quotes…
    Did he say that statement to you ? (Love is the only way)
    Thanks
    Branko

    • louisbrawley says:

      Hi Branko, That’s the best news I’ve heard in a while! He was hilarious no doubt about it. The thing is, he never said “Love is the only way.” What happened is that a friend was with him in New York, they were in a cheap dollar store full of junk one morning. My friend who was really serious in his spiritual practice had been asking questions all morning when UG said in his usual way something like “Come on! Letsgetoutofhere!” and they went out and were wandering around. SO they end up in this store and my friend’s head is still spinning with questions because all sorts of things are happening to him, physically, visions, etc, all of which UG has made very clear are just the vomit of his collective brainwashing… So there they are, in the isles of this silly shop and he turns to UG and says, “So then.. then whAAT??” and UG points to one of those cheesy signs on the wall, the kind you hang in your den or wreck room or hallway… the thing reads, “Love is the only way.” I gotta tell you, when my friend told me this story I was not a little shocked and at the same time, a chill ran up my spine because coming from a guy like UG, the whole idea of love gets totally uprooted, upended and twisted into some new dimension that puts you on the spot. This is what I was talking about … thanks brethren… go forth and get lost on that one!! Hehe heh… L

      • sharbra says:

        Ouch ! Wow… Just his uncanny luck that there was a “sign” on the wall and he didn’t have to utter those words (and be pinned down) … it is freakish and Amazing
        Cheers,
        Branko

  2. sharbra says:

    Hi Louis,
    My wife has been chasing me around the house reading aloud from goner and laughing hysterically… She has never really been into u.g. I think i am on the third or fourth reading.
    Also writing down a ton of quotes which i can’t help.
    Did U.G. say that statement to you ? (love is the only way)

    I think i mentioned previously how i experienced his incredible blasting of human thought as
    “love” Unfortunately there is no better word. Just in u.g. it was so pure, explosive and living
    Thank You
    Branko

  3. Dear Louis, Hope you are doing well.

    I was eagerly waiting for your next post from January (or in UG’s words, I was waiting for the ‘pleasure’ I get from reading your posts. :)) I liked the way you described UG’s life: ‘What he lived illustrated it, something so vital and full it was a living breathing work of art. He was a masterpiece of living.’ It is very true.

    UG changed my whole perspective towards ‘Death’. Rather he burned all my questions(?) related to spirituality and life. But, as you said, the thoughts about death sometimes hover over my mind. It reminds me UG’s words: ‘The ‘you’ is born out of fear; it lives in fear, functions in fear and dies in fear’. I try not to think about all these questions (UG’s photo kept on my desk helps me in that :)), but then also ‘that’ thing (which want to continue itself) peeps out, why this happens?! I know that there is no way to know that, but then also why do I want to know?!

    Waiting for your next posts.

    Regards- Peakash Dhake

  4. Dear Louis, Hope you are doing well.

    I was eagerly waiting for your next post from January. (or in UG’s words, I was waiting for the ‘pleasure’ I get from reading your posts. :)) I liked the way you described UG’s life: ‘What he lived illustrated it, something so vital and full it was a living breathing work of art. He was a masterpiece of living.’ It is very true.

    UG changed my whole perspective towards ‘Death’. But, as you said, the thoughts about death sometimes hover over my mind. It reminds me UG’s words: ‘The ‘you’ is born out of fear; it lives in fear, functions in fear and dies in fear. I try not to think about all these questions (UG’s photo kept on my desk helps me in that :)), but then also ‘that’ thing (which want to continue itself) peeps out, why this happens?! I know that there is no way to know that, but then also why do I want to know?!

    Waiting for your next posts.

    Regards – Prakash Dhake

    • louisbrawley says:

      Hi Prakash and thanks for your note. I am always surprised at the twists in life and then the way UG’s whateveritis twists right along with it. I made a book three years ago, a book of images, ovals I liked the shape of this oval and made a bunch of watercolors and then two years later I copied some quotes from UG into the pages. I wasn’t sure what I thought of it, then I found it again yesterday and they were perfect. What UG was saying is strangely flexible in that is suits any situation in a new way, totally new way each time I read him. His words blend in like a second skin with no space from surface to surface so the people who ‘dont’ get what I’m talking about when I talk about UG don’t see it at all, whereas those who have ‘fallen’ for him instantly sense it. I am never sure what I”m talking about, but he encouraged me to write I think because I think all the time and I think in words and I think about him. So my confusion at least has a pleasing subject when it comes to UG. The beauty for me of seeing him live put all words into perspective, into callibration, into their place as the noise of life, but the source of the noise can never be known and his refusal to pollute that source with cheap explanations or teachings or elaborations on that fullness is so touching it literally makes me cry sometimes. I am not a sentimental person but that guys refusal to compromise gives me a yardstick, a measure, some external sign of something so big, so beautiful so fearless… I don’t know. UG was something. WHat a thing to say isn’t it? At times it could be that I feel he was everything, but in the sense that Ramakrishna used to talk about form and formless being both sides of the same coin. UG for me was like Kali for him I suppose, (and I”m not putting myself on the same level as Ramakrishna! Please don’t get me wrong here!!) His image, the photographs, the words, the snippets of memory of him are enough to sustain me in so many areas I cannot begin to say. He puts my fear in it’s place, at least Mr Fear knows his place when UG is in the room!! and on it goes man! ALl the best to you.. we are lucky.

  5. Andres says:

    Nice to read your post Louis!

    Death, seems to be the only way out according to U.G. So, like you say, the continuity has to snap somehow. What I would´ve liked to ask a man like U.G. is a question something like this; Do I go from within or whithout? Meaning; should I take the standpoint of the thought and bring it to a point where it or “I” can´t move? Or should I find a foothold beyond thought?

    I know very well that effort wont take me there, or anywhere, in this area. And this (me writing/thinking) is probably just a way to keep myself going! 😉
    But this is where I find the sages differs. Some (and in some cases even U.G.) talks about this watching of thoughts and body and actions. To stand aloof of body-mind. To let it be automatic. And then some (mostly U.G. I guess) talks about bringing thought to a point where it can´t move – so it will finally explode!

    Do you have something to say on this, Louis? Did you hear U.G. comment on this?

    Best regards
    /Andres

    • louisbrawley says:

      What he did was shove us as hard as he could into a corner where we couldn’t get out. It’s a testament to the wiley ways of the ego, the momentum of culture and human thought, or what ever you want or choose to call it, that most of us escaped his clutches despite such declarations of intent to be free. We are not in charge. He was not in charge. No one wants to abdicate. There is too much at stake. So we go on playing this game while wearing protective gloves and maybe one of these days the rubber will split, the kriptonite will puncture, the radiation will leak through the armor we’ve built with the help of all our implanted hopes and dreams and we’ll find out for ourselves. Until then, we continue to enjoy this particular misery !! Cheerio!

  6. Moya says:

    Hi, I like this blog. Maybe you’ll consider using tumblr instead of wordpress (just an idea).

    I never met UG or indeed needed to know him, yet I love him. It’s great what’s happening at this time, ordinary people like me with no ‘culture’ of seeking can come across a man on YouTube that ‘resonates’ with something that can’t be know. And yet has always been known. What do ya make of that? Christ I don’t know…..wish I did. Anyway came across your blog and I envy you that met UG. I think I would have liked him and more importantly I think he would have liked me……..how knows.

    • louisbrawley says:

      Hi Moya, UG used to say ‘attraction is the action’. There is more to that than can be explained, but taking an interest in the man is as good as meeting him as far as I am concerned. You are lucky to be interested, not in what I have to say, but in what comes through … thanks for writing! Louis

  7. louisbrawley says:

    The best thing is nobody knows and it doesn’t matter. These things will have their own way with us, despite us, thankfully! Here’s to total confusion!

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